Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Dear diary: MY FUGLY FROGS by xoxo

Yes I’m raining men right now, I seem to have it good with men these days but every single woman out there knows it’s not always so. Yesterday the guy who drove the car in front of me sluggishly was on a pretty girl’s case… ye she was fronting but she eventually got-in.

I wasn’t even mad it was nostalgic; it’s a stage we eventually outgrow. It reminded me of when I didn’t have a car or a job and men toasted me from the top of ‘okada’, some went from more than just that. I didn’t have a car to ride those days so they rode me err… sorry drove me.

I always find myself laughing when women say they dress to please themselves, well if you are a ‘slapper’ make sure you always look your best you would just never know who you would meet ;-)
In no order of preference here is a countdown of the most dramatic frogs I’ve kissed and why I loose their numbers.

Corporate Badguyz

It was my birthday and coincidentally ‘thank God it’s Friday’ my friend A came with bf B and my crazy roommate came with friends from work plus my toaster C. We all got drunk on vodka, cranberry juice and schnapps’ and when we (bf B and I) kissed; let’s just say I felt more than just synapsis. To avoid going into details I had to throw up in the bath and met an orgy when I got out. Good thing I was messed up so I just watched it, the guys were perfectly sober, and friend A had passed out it was crazy. The next day friend A came out she made a scene, a huge one. Meanwhile, everybody in the hostel after hearing the gist was falling down crying and lamenting to The Heavens about “How could this have happened?” personally I felt blank, I mean it was meant to be fun but somehow it got wild. I strongly believed something was mixed in those drinks but o_O well it doesn’t matter what they thought, what you think, so stop the Tripp’s Just because she flips and start to scream and maybe cry doesn’t mean I have to play along with you. I simply lost the rel-cute toaster C’s number cos that was the right thing to do.

The Boxer

I met this middle aged single guy, a record exec; really famous let your mind go wild with guesses ‘na you know’. I sensed there was something amiss and I’m sure my uncle who married a 35 year old virgin will agree, something was definitely amiss. At first he seemed like a sweet unlucky-in-love gentleman but to put it mildly he was a bully. He forcefully attached his emotions to my lack of emotion and literally monitored how I breathed.  In fact I had a programmed copy and pasted emotion and reaction to all his situations. I remember one lazy Saturday morning his eye was blood shot. He was raven-mad because he was up before me. I really don’t know how to finish his story but I do know I didn't want to end up on lindaikeji or ladunliadi as naijas next Rihanna and Chris brown and (I love CB BTW) so I ran till my heels touched my back head. And yep I deleted his number.

Baby mama Situation

Good boys go to heaven, bad boys go to UK. I know it’s a cliché but it isn’t further from the truth. Okay there where uncountable UK gangsta’s that had to leave my phonebook. Receiving early morning calls from wives and baby mamas I never even knew existed isn’t one of my bona fide strengths. From threats to appeals, I certainly don’t want to be in those shoes. One even met me in his house as I was sipping cold soda and chopping ‘kilishi’ when I heard the dude stammer “honey, I didn’t know you would be back today” all I remember is choking on the ‘kilishi’. How this one ended is story for another day but you guessed right some Lagos doctors made a lot of dough.

Signs from Heaven

September rain. I was crazy and over heels over one not-so-cute ‘heavy spender’ I won’t disclose his marital status but I know I had a drilling mental exercise with my conscience before laying him. He left the hotel early cosa house calls and I had a long-orgasmic sleep. My ringtone startled me, it was bf he didn’t understand what I was still doing in the school library, in that storm. I got up from bed and literally stepped on water ‘it was probably a burst pipe’ I thought till I looked out the window the rain had consumed the whole ground floor. I was trapped then the electricity went out, I couldn’t get home, bf was calling and worst of all I was going to die. I cried to God for the rain to stop but it didn’t. The rain poured heavily, persistently, I was weak. My neighbors said the streets were flooded only rooftops could be seen. I imagined my laptops and tablet floating on the water and my bf fuming in the traffic mad that I had turned off my phone but that was the only thing I could do. I promised God I won’t do this thing again if I left there alive. Some readers would ask if I did, guess I’m typing from heaven...lol. I’m bad at keeping promises though but I defo lost that number too, many bad signs from heaven!

Virtual Romance

From the once who asked me out on social network and chats and persistently asked for my number like I was deaf the very first time.  I get asked out over Blackberry, Facebook, and Twitter chat occasionally. I immediately labeled the guy as a lazy, childish, and ridiculous douche. So those ones don’t ever get my number to begin with…

To be continued.



  1. This is too much.u r damn too good.pls keep it up.I love this.

  2. 'ye she was fronting but she eventually got-in'
    'what you think, so stop the Tripp’s Just because she flips and start to scream and maybe cry '
    ' In fact I had a programmed copy and pasted emotion and reaction to all his situations'
    Great story,even better rhymes.
    Badgurl xoXo
    Hopefully you are a beauty queen.

  3. thomas dare-abel28 August 2012 at 09:56

    my damn words"they rode me err… sorry drove me","In fact I had a programmed copy and pasted emotion and reaction to all his situations"," Receiving early morning calls from wives and baby mamas I never even knew existed isn’t one of my bona fide strengths","He left the hotel early cosa house calls and I had a long-orgasmic sleep"hmmmmm just tell me the kind of orgasmic sleep u ad o,lol.but come to luk at it did this rili happened ,if it did den i tink u right on me soon o,cos i love to av a share in ur stories real life.

  4. xoxo . . . bad gal, stop making them boys get hard.
    But seriously, you haven't kissed a from yet till u kiss this guy on my street.

  5. Discovered your blog from comments from Nkechiola's blog saying she copied her story from you.
    I see blank expressions all through Back to the basics and only the hotel name and gift items were changed.
    Because you are a lesser known blog you should report her blog.
    Anyway nice blog by the way.
    Great stories keep it up.

  6. Wow it was nice reading the most creative write ups thnx badest xoxo u are blessed....

  7. My fugly frog moment is similar to your baby mama situation, only that I was lucky not to end up at the hospital but jumped a fence half naked,as in looking bad it was hillarious. A good samiritan woman gave me a wrapper to tie and I got me a caab and headed straight home.

  8. Sorry but my fugly frog moment had gottu be when I got STD from a hooker. Ye I know I was stupid I was in college at the time.

  9. Funny & nice write up. Is this fiction or a real life story? Bibi

  10. I had this babe similar to fugly moment signs from heaven everytime I wanted to see her my car either got bad or someone fell sick. The day my engine knocked was d lastime I ever even made an attempt to see her ever again!

  11. Beatifully written and u flow so well...ri
    ly lovin ur blog.Kip it up! Any

  12. Lying on d rug reading ur blog! And am like DAMN ure good. Thumbs up!

  13. To be continued?? Why don't u just go be a nun think u've had enough for a lifetime....lmao

  14. great thots but realty is thta it's a fact is truly happens everyday,thanks.

  15. 1 dar full. Real.

  16. God was good to me at my own fugly moment. My sugar daddy had asked me to meet him at his home cause his wife had traveled. I had spent the night and just about 3 a.m in the morning when we were in cloud 9, we heard a car pull in. Low and behold it was his wife.she had missed her flight and come back home. My bald headed idiot passed me out through a back door half naked and hid me in the garage.Mosquitoes really made a good feast out of me till about 5.00 a m before the bastard sneaked me out and he blamed me for trying to break his home for leaving some exhibits behind. What a freak

  17. Annon. 18:28,neke,and the other annons y'all just kileed me LMAO dnt know which made me laugh more the stories or your comment. Love U all nd thnx For making my day. Writer keep it up now I'm thirsty for more.
    N.B y is lala MIA?

  18. Nice one, real expression of wat goes on in our day to day experience.

  19. lovely xoxo, really down to earth and honest piece. i love your master mix of humor with nonchalant attitude, you are one fine writer. I always say guys have no idea what we single ladies put up with. team #xoxoaddict

  20. hi, you've been an inspiration to me and i will continue to share your thought,great.

  21. funny how friend disappear