Friday, 7 September 2012

Dear diary: MY FUGLY FROGS part ii by xoxo

Inglorious Churchboiz:-
You see them in every churchservice looking all pious. Chief culprit are the supposed 'altar-boys' just when you are getting used to their early morning devotional text messages they slap you with surprises and pictures of early morning hard-ons and then demand to see yours. You would think we girls have grown smarter than conceding to their requests you would also think choristers are smarter than to undergo 9mnths compulsory courses with choir masters with record-breaking distinctions.
My friend forced us (my friends and I including LaLa) to church years back,we met her pastor, he said I had a seductive spirit and they all nodded in unison and it was agreed I needed deliverance. I wasn’t sure I wanted to get rid of such a spirit-if it existed…lol, but I embarked on the 3daysfast sincerely because I wanted to fit into the new R&R pair of jeans I bought 2months ago that don’t fit, afterwards I headed for his church for vigil.Don’t think you don’t know him cos you do, I still see him on TV oozing all his egocentric sexiness that could literally get you blind. Anyway he calls me to his office to pray after the service and as I was waving my hands screaming halleluiah to the heavens,I’m stunned to see both hands milking my barracudas at half past seven, that I was dumbfounded is an understatement.
This time both the devil and the supposed seductive spirit in me were blamed. Even my friend couldn’t believe I didn’t seduce him, not that she didn’t trust me she just had so much reverence for her pastor.You bet I didn’t just lose the number but for a long time I lost my faith.

Married bachelors:-
I met this delicious guy at this bachelor’s eve.We exchanged numbers,flirted and it was all fun and games till I realized he was the groom.Married men are a big NO for me, I like pretty boys but not to be treated like a kiddy toy.  After picking my jaw from the floor I tried to get rid of him…honestly I did but give it to the guy he was persistent.
He always called even in my rashness and coldness, on his honey moon he called with that voice sweet as honey, his wife worked in another state 'he just needed a friend to talk to' hence friends we remained but on this eventful day I had to hook up with him to pick some job templates.So there I was headed to what I thought was a bar but alas! It was his house. He wasn’t even bothered about his neighbors, his status, I even felt more strain than he did, and for good reasons too.
Anyway cos the traffic heading to his place after work was mad, it was unsafe to leave for Magodo. Let’s just say that night he was going all‘Jogodo’. As he strolled about in his fresh pair of boxers believe me when I say ‘he was all shades of freshness’ thanks to my weak conscience and pictures of his wife staring at me with piercing repulsion my strong desires lose power because A conscience does not prevent sin, it only prevents you from enjoying it. What’s the point not enjoying ones sins?Lol, draw your conclusions on different sheets of paper. I lost that number too afterwards, we couldn’t remain friends or I could lose my conscience too.

Whimsical Borrowers:-
They give you an incentive to keep you going back like a satisfied customer and they manipulate you to possibly pay double of all they have ever given you, and no, I don’t mean your neighborhood store.
This carrot and stick approach I fell for honestly not once, I’m not even pretending to be innocent, non-superficial or non-covetous but I'm a sucker for a man who can work-it under the sheets.Okay the story, this faithful day while chilling in-between gist's, while excitedly hinting about the new car he would buy me once the deal-clicks.
He makes a call and next thing he's sad and lamenting about being broke and needing to travel immediately cos some guys are trying to double cross him, I promise to give him the money for his travels out of compassion, to be honest it had nothing to do with his earlier vows or his prowess.He intentionally keeps his phone away from me, you know-playfully, in a way a dumb woman won’t notice. To cut the story short Hours later I got hold of the phone and guess what? The call he made at the time was to customer care! For real!! You play me with a machine? I would give him a B for Innovation.I know I cannot place MYSELF between the ingenious and the profound but I’m certainly not a woman with a lot of foolishness.
Okay maybe a little foolishness cos in my blonde moment I still gave him the dough… I’m not always that stupid so believe me that day I must have made an extra effort. You bet I deleted that number too!

Fresh Explorers:-
“New money hits”, Guys that are new in the city make some virgin cool dough and want to pay and taste for everything and anything that walks on legs before they die, many are dimwits who can’t even speak English,the unexposed exposing their underexposures.
 I met this 2 jokers, but I would make an example of the more interesting of the duo, pure mediocre.They should be approximately 30 by age but 15by experience it’s not hard to tell. If you follow many of my posts it will be common knowledge that Where there's a will, I definitely want to be in it. So the will it was.
 I met him those days when I still walked from my house to the bus-stop and believe me that was some walk, anyway we became friends till we had to unbecome friends. He asks let me kiss you, you say no!, then he goes- how much?
One day while minding my own business he begs to take me out on a date, so off we went it was nice until coming back he asks to get laid and tells me he can pay anything, I get offended he says his car is allergic to unreasonable people and I had to alight, I mean that was on a bridge running over the sea, well he didn't care he said 'he would go pick someone worth the while'. Now that was a walk that's still vivid 10years after, the worst part is days after he sends a message begging for a fresh date offering to pay me for accepting to go on that date.
I lack words to describe the conduct of this type of product but I do hope they come in refined packages these days. Do you need to be told? The number left faster than it came.Looking back now that's a #classic fugly frog.

Lord of the Rings:-
They understand the 'new era' female physiology that the quickest way “in” is to propose marriage and propose they do with faux- diamond rings that sparkle from all angles, but can't be compared to the sparkle in your eyes which dims like candles,the moment you are confronted with the tangled truth that you are one of many 'ring bearers' and that includes your best friend and your neighbors daughter,such an embarrassing triangle.
 She’s the one who calls you 'aunty'-yes while attending her bridal shower my best friend and I discovered we've just been showered with rings of stupidity, I snapped my head to lucidity,believe meI’m as serious as a heart attack.Sure y’all get the message.

27 comments:

  1. I just love your honesty and how you laugh at your sillyness and short comings. Had a good life,great morning tea.
    Will there be a part 3, have a few of mine I can mail to you.

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    1. Thanq neke i defo see you & thanq for the great comments ;-)

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  2. She killed it"I like pretty boys but not to be treated like a kiddy toy. Guys that are new in the city make some virgin cool dough and want to pay and taste for everything and anything that walks on legs before they die, many are dimwits who can’t even speak English,the unexposed exposing their unexposures".I really want to thank you for inspirational creation. Xoxo oni baje ....lol

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  3. Every Girl's Dream
    by Rudy
    I shouldn't be doing this. This is wrong. I'm just falling for it over again. I can't let myself do this.

    That's all I kept thinking as I got up that glorious Friday morning. As I stepped into the warm water of the shower, I rested my head against the cool tile of the wall and took a deep breath. I was going to see my love, but it was so wrong. I hadn't talked to him in months, and I was just falling back into the trap.

    It started last night. He had called me just to chat. Things were normal. Well, as normal as things got with us. Of course we talked as if everything was normal, but underneath the ruse, we both knew what the other was thinking: I still love you. He made a snide joke and&nbsp I pretended not to hear it.

    "What was that?" I asked playfully.

    "Oh, nothing." he replied, because he knew it made me mad. I kept on prodding him for what seemed like forever, until finally I resorted to bribary.

    "I promise to buy you some candy if you tell me."

    "Ooh! Candy!" he said&nbsp jokingly. So he ended up telling me, and it ended up being something completely pointless. Nonetheless, I had promised. So we planned to walk up to the Quick Trip the next day so i could buy him some candy.

    The next morning I got up excited, but uneasy. I quickly dressed and&nbsp set out towards the front of my neighborhood. The day started out beautiful. Sunny and hot with not a cloud in the sky. When I reached the front of my neighborhood, he was waiting for me on his little bike. So we set out. We talked and laughed and played around. We ended up stopping in the Subway on the way and getting some sandwiches. We took turns taking pictures and just talking.

    When we finally reached the Quick Trip, we went in and bought some Gummy Lifesavers, Life Water, and some Sour Gummy Worms. We sat on the curb outside the gas station and ate and talked.

    On our way back to my house, it started to rain. I went inside to change out of my wet clothes and we stood&nbsp on the porch and just talked. We both knew we were just stalling because we didn't want to part.

    Finally, she walked out to get her car and go home. But right at that very moment, a down pour of rain broke out. We both just looked at eachother and knew. We walked toward each other in one motion. Out in the pouring rain with the thunder rolling, our lips met in perfect unison. Her lips were so warm and moist and I could feel her hot breath on my cheek.&nbsp I wrapped my arms around her neck and her tongue slowly entered my mouth. It was pure bliss.

    It was my very first 9ja kiss and I think it was the perfect one.

    (true life story by the author)

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    1. Incredibly sweet and romantic story... Thanks for sharing #melove

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  4. Okay, I have read this thrice, thrice!!! And still rotfl as I can identify with some of these " products" :I I see material for a novel here, something from which theories of male behaviour can be postulated " like the old cow, new cow theory" :p Well done and keep 'em coming!!

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    1. Lmao novel sha....hmmmmm $$$$$$$...i wld defo google the old cow new cow theory you talk of.
      Thanq

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  5. Gosh!!! That's really something. It literally left me speechless.

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  6. Lawwdy Lawd!!!! The pick of the most is the "Lord of the rings" category. Still finding it hard to believe that the 21st century 9ja lady still falls for this gimmick...
    LMFAOOOOO!!

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    1. Ahahn! I believe i can fall for it, what i dont believe is finding myself in such a triangle...tufiakwai!!lol

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  7. wow!! this is funny baracudasathalf past seven....lol nice 1 rudy,truly is every girls dream.

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    1. Thanq so much. Ye nice piece @Rudy has...plenty love, more like mr Deux...lol

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  8. 'diamond rings that sparklefrom all angles, but can't be compared to the sparkle in your eyes which dims like candles,the moment you are confronted with the tangled truth that you are one of many 'ring bearers' and that includes your best friend and your neighbors daughter,such an embarrassing triangle.'
    Believe me these lines killed me.
    These should be titled 'Diary of a single Black Girl'.Real escapades great delivery. I like how you make your readers just forgive all your shortcomings and laugh about it, I just keep shaking my head and saying 'I just love this girl'. Nice one.

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    1. Believe me, its just a typical day in the life of most chics. We cant beat ourselves for our mistakes. Lesson learned laugh about it!
      Dig? ;-)

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  9. Wow!!!!!! Lovely story, keep it up.thanks for sharing. Go

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  10. Well told and so real! I think is time to place a patent on some shits like "barracudasat hal past seven". Its jst WOW

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  11. Oh my days filigee. This is probably your best piece yet.
    Part3 hopefully? Such wealth of experience you should be amazingly rich *evil grin*

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    1. You cant even begin to imagine...lol

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  12. Here u go again,9ja kisses? My first experience wasn't funny at all, I hope I won't remember it.

    Nice one though, sometimes this don't only happen in movies but it doesn't happen every time in 9ja.

    These days I look forward to every new post on your blog.

    Bee.

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    1. And i honestly look forward to your comments...really.

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  13. Wow, very well written and interesting. I love it, u are doing a great job Lammy. keep it up. Love Yeunde Cole :)

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    1. Lammy??
      Awww thanq & Thanx for dropping by, your name s cute.

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