Dear diary: TOADALY IN LOVE by lala

          OK Miss mystique, you’ve been around and I get it. What i don’t get is the fact (or plain/plane truth) that you date different guys for one peculiar reason or another that only you can figure but you don’t seem to be able to find one of your peculiar reasons to go out with me. That’s the PLANE truth but i must admit that it doesn’t FLY with me. #Lame. You refuse to date me and the more i think about it, it seems like you’ve never considered it. Maybe not till i let you in on a lil' secret about how my 'Willie' is so small that countless times girls, ladies, women and i dare say even mothers (defo unmarried and necessarily single) have thanked me after a sexperience. *slaps chest*. Or how some of these different classes of 'flowers' have offered me in your own slanguage 'douche' after i made a sexample out of them. *dusts shoulders*. 

          It’s saddening how your posts hit a nerve often and at the same time funny how it never lasts. As in you’ve been very lucky not to have ever stepped on my last nerve as the saying goes. Either that or i cannot be committed to staying angry at you. I too, could go on and on about my sexcapades and trust me wen i say that list is endless but i will seize to do so with all the modesty i can muster right now which very frankly is only as minute as a grain of sand. So i think we can both agree that since it’s my trumpet, i could blow it a little. And you can blow me if i might add. Yummy. O_o

         Besides me being lala 'the great'

(•͡_ •͡) and my obvious attraction for ‘you know who’, I think i should enlighten you a little about myself. Yes i am tall, dark n somewhat handsome, which automatically pulls my way attention, and it’s something i relish religiously with the best of intentions. Although I’m not rich, i am proudly capable of satisfying a woman who is not a glutton but I do not mind a huge sexual appetite. *licks lips*. I grew up in a large family with sisters, aunts, lots of female cousins and my latest but not recent acquisitions; my beloved sisters in-law. Basically as you would have noticed i grew up around lots of ladies, all of whom have helped me shape my mentality till date. So i am guessing the big question is what do i know about the opposite sex? One thing is for sure and it’s a fact, that though a stupid lady can claim to know what a man wants, the seemingly clever ones don’t seem to know what they themselves want. I would give you an example and then afterwards whether you concur or not is a topic for another day so on that specific issue case adjourned. *slams hammer*. 

        I’m looking through my windows (not the computer one) and all I see is a very good friend of mine and neighbor. After his wedding he got the apartment next to mine, which he furnished to his taste just like he did his bride, little did he know that the contractor he hired for professional services lent some of his expertise to the wife. Mr. Husband was a hard worker who kept late night’s cos of meetings to be held, and appointments to be kept, and with good reasons too cos he didn’t just bring home the bacon but the best of brands you would find on any shelf. Interior decorator indeed cos he decorated the entire woman's interior severally with 'wet pleasures' until you guessed right the inevitable happened. Finally it was time for Mr. 'decor' to reap his returns on investment from his sperm bank. “Twins” the doctor had said what a profit! Mr. Husband knowing fully well he was sterile applied all the tricks in the book and then some more but got no confessions from his 'beloved' wife. He was unhappy and developed a drinking habit. Obviously we had something in common which was that i loved to drink and well… he just drank. Nevertheless we became friends and one day he shared his predicament while working the Johnny walker. After careful diagnosis i came up with a plan for him (smart lala always, thank you). To cut the long story short, on a very typical afternoon Mr. Husband came home and caught his wife red-handed. Red-handed literally, cos she was actually wearing her hussies favorite red gloves and milking Mr. decors Willie, dressed-up as a farm girl even with the pregnancy. Whoever said “wonders will never end” sure didn’t witness a scenario quite as marveling as this. Fortunately, i didn’t too but was told by my dear friend that same evening when we met at our usual spot something about him compressing Mr. Decor into his phone and sending him like a text message to a doctor. This time i couldn’t say if he was happy but i could tell he was relieved as he narrated how he sent his ex-wife (his words exactly) back to the villa, and finally broke all that reminded him of her which was basically everything she had in his house.   

          The bible says “he that findeth a wife findeth a good thing” but my friend lost a wife and everything good except his focus. What was reality to him was a lesson learnt for me. It is with much pride that i offer this advice to all up and coming lalas these days, do take my advice, I don't use it anyways… “If you must love, take a first, second, third and most importantly innermost look at who you are willing to love” you've got to sit down and work out where you stand  cos you might just not be as lucky as my neighbor, who GOD in his infinite mercy sent two saviors’.

         Personally, I think love is not my forte, infatuation is or maybe lust. If you are just like me you are in the right place. Clearly I’m not new at this and here are a few rigid tips that might guide you rightly about it. If the girl is fragile use a bed. If she’s shy do use a very comfy couch and please turn the lights off, especially if she's being led. If she’s nasty use anywhere in the kitchen or your dining set. If rude make it a quickie with her clothes on, but skirts wound up. If she’s the boss do it in her office and if she’s most importantly a xoxo, then by all means...

To be continued. 

*comfy-comfortable

*villa-village

Dear diary: MY FUGLY FROGS by xoxo

Yes I’m raining men right now, I seem to have it good with men these days but every single woman out there knows it’s not always so. Yesterday the guy who drove the car in front of me sluggishly was on a pretty girl’s case… ye she was fronting but she eventually got-in.

I wasn’t even mad it was nostalgic; it’s a stage we eventually outgrow. It reminded me of when I didn’t have a car or a job and men toasted me from the top of ‘okada’, some went from more than just that. I didn’t have a car to ride those days so they rode me err… sorry drove me.

I always find myself laughing when women say they dress to please themselves, well if you are a ‘slapper’ make sure you always look your best you would just never know who you would meet ;-)

In no order of preference here is a countdown of the most dramatic frogs I’ve kissed and why I loose their numbers.

Corporate Badguyz

It was my birthday and coincidentally ‘thank God it’s Friday’ my friend A came with bf B and my crazy roommate came with friends from work plus my toaster C. We all got drunk on vodka, cranberry juice and schnapps’ and when we (bf B and I) kissed; let’s just say I felt more than just synapsis. To avoid going into details I had to throw up in the bath and met an orgy when I got out. Good thing I was messed up so I just watched it, the guys were perfectly sober, and friend A had passed out it was crazy. The next day friend A came out she made a scene, a huge one. Meanwhile, everybody in the hostel after hearing the gist was falling down crying and lamenting to The Heavens about “How could this have happened?” personally I felt blank, I mean it was meant to be fun but somehow it got wild. I strongly believed something was mixed in those drinks but o_O well it doesn’t matter what they thought, what you think, so stop the Tripp’s Just because she flips and start to scream and maybe cry doesn’t mean I have to play along with you. I simply lost the rel-cute toaster C’s number cos that was the right thing to do.

The Boxer

I met this middle aged single guy, a record exec; really famous let your mind go wild with guesses ‘na you know’. I sensed there was something amiss and I’m sure my uncle who married a 35 year old virgin will agree, something was definitely amiss. At first he seemed like a sweet unlucky-in-love gentleman but to put it mildly he was a bully. He forcefully attached his emotions to my lack of emotion and literally monitored how I breathed.  In fact I had a programmed copy and pasted emotion and reaction to all his situations. I remember one lazy Saturday morning his eye was blood shot. He was raven-mad because he was up before me. I really don’t know how to finish his story but I do know I didn't want to end up on lindaikeji or ladunliadi as naijas next Rihanna and Chris brown and (I love CB BTW) so I ran till my heels touched my back head. And yep I deleted his number.

Baby mama Situation

Good boys go to heaven, bad boys go to UK. I know it’s a cliché but it isn’t further from the truth. Okay there where uncountable UK gangsta’s that had to leave my phonebook. Receiving early morning calls from wives and baby mamas I never even knew existed isn’t one of my bona fide strengths. From threats to appeals, I certainly don’t want to be in those shoes. One even met me in his house as I was sipping cold soda and chopping ‘kilishi’ when I heard the dude stammer “honey, I didn’t know you would be back today” all I remember is choking on the ‘kilishi’. How this one ended is story for another day but you guessed right some Lagos doctors made a lot of dough.

Signs from Heaven

September rain. I was crazy and over heels over one not-so-cute ‘heavy spender’ I won’t disclose his marital status but I know I had a drilling mental exercise with my conscience before laying him. He left the hotel early cosa house calls and I had a long-orgasmic sleep. My ringtone startled me, it was bf he didn’t understand what I was still doing in the school library, in that storm. I got up from bed and literally stepped on water ‘it was probably a burst pipe’ I thought till I looked out the window the rain had consumed the whole ground floor. I was trapped then the electricity went out, I couldn’t get home, bf was calling and worst of all I was going to die. I cried to God for the rain to stop but it didn’t. The rain poured heavily, persistently, I was weak. My neighbors said the streets were flooded only rooftops could be seen. I imagined my laptops and tablet floating on the water and my bf fuming in the traffic mad that I had turned off my phone but that was the only thing I could do. I promised God I won’t do this thing again if I left there alive. Some readers would ask if I did, guess I’m typing from heaven...lol. I’m bad at keeping promises though but I defo lost that number too, many bad signs from heaven!

Virtual Romance

From the once who asked me out on social network and chats and persistently asked for my number like I was deaf the very first time.  I get asked out over Blackberry, Facebook, and Twitter chat occasionally. I immediately labeled the guy as a lazy, childish, and ridiculous douche. So those ones don’t ever get my number to begin with…

To be continued.

*bf-boyfriend

*defo-definitely

*cosa-because

*dough-money

Scribbles: RANDOM THOUGHTS By Lala

            She likes me. She likes me not. She…. On i go childishly excited like a kid who just got his/her first bike about a certain girl I’m interested in. Oddly, i chose to delay myself the pleasure of an introduction and took my time to digest her countenance. A few days later, she finally confessed on a second date that she liked me and would be willing to hold hands with me in public. Hold up. "Hold hands in public" I like the sound of that. Although its not the first time a girl has asked me out, but with those exact words that was the first and as a very bad sharp guy i easily could read between the lines. So you go figure. 

            As much as i hate to blow my trumpet (my own trumpet o) i must say i am that cool. Cant stop wondering why xoxo can't see that or on the other hand i should just probably get her a pair of glasses which right about now might serve my purpose more than edibles. Just a thought. 

            Anyways when a girl likes a guy and tells him, then she's being a guy by acting on an impulse which could be seen as a reflex action that might ruin her personality maybe by presenting her as cheap or as its often called in my circle- ‘that farm instrument’. Furthermore, she can become a very likely candidate for ridicule in a round table conversation over a couple of sips and puffs. Not that it matters if the table is not round, its a guy thing not gossip. Let me spell it out for you; girls gossip while we guys simply update.

 Truthfully i emphasize the 'might cause her P damages' because its only a possibility and my assumptions can be all they are actually worth; just assumptions. 

           Today, we call such bold ladies tomboys. Not for the obvious reason that they cross dress (because they might not) but mainly because they possess a boldness common to the male gender. For most guys it may seem that she has just lowered her value and automatically she's considered an easy target. I would too and with good reason at the risk of not being different from other guys out there. Besides am not afraid of being a regular guy especially when i say that she's welcome to lala's turf (evil grin). 

            For me, the female approach takes the mystery or the excitement of a 'chase and conquer' out the whole situation could be without challenge. Boring. You know how they say you don't appreciate what you get for cheap, i can't think of a better situation where such seemingly sagacious phrase applies perfectly. Its like hoping to catch a romantic movie with someone special only for the movie to be totally void of sex. How romantic. Rather, how disappointing. 

             Its with bold interest that we guys take pleasure in discussing our conquest. Most call it kiss and tell while i, personally, call it playing catch-up. The simple picture is a bunch of guys, having sips, in a serene environment with lots of pretty distractions. Of course we could talk about politics, the economy, business etc but the obvious fact remains that when we have discussions about women even the dumbest guys have a few words to share thus making it a very interesting topic. A lady would perceive guys playing "catch-up" as being stupid and intentional. Rationally, i can't say playing such a game is wise but i definitely think its natural. Sue me.

Scribbles: RE: BACK TO MY BASICS by xoxo

Lala already I'm driving you crazy? Just wait till i get my license. You are saying i throw my self around like..., while i hoard my heart like a... (•͡˘˛˘ •͡) Lala control your emotions. I don't owe you an explanation but i will explain because this isn't a personal note to you.

 Since the days of king Solomon, i doubt if  he was a broke ass he would have 1000 concubines who were comfortable enough to share their man through and through.

 Guys with Benjamin always have an edge with beautiful women. Work your butts off and stop whining it’s not rocket science it’s reality! I won't even pretend there isn’t a spark when a power dresser,smooth talker who saves me from the rain gives me a CL and i don't care of he is another pilot. When i meet him according to LaLa I'm to ask myself if I'm acting like a woman of easy virtue or if my fathers entire life savings can save up to buy me CL's or the materials of the shoe is detrimental to the earths existence-like duh! who cares?(ᵕ.ᵕ)

 It would be a sin not to eat from that humble pie and though i know my pretty cat eyes are lies i wont mind being lied to to make that ride to heaven and then back. The gifts are not a compulsion but a necessity like a great cake with pretty icing crystals. I forgive you even though you conveniently exempted the part of you choking with guilt since you helped devour the bounties like a tutored glutton.

 It’s like the popular saying 'I can't taste my lips, someone has to do it for me' Am i to rock my bed when someone else can do it for me? I’mnot trying to give you a situation report like 'hi lala so yesterday another guy saved me from the rain and offered me edibles and 1 i couldn't eat and i said no. So now that I'm your ideal woman where is my candy bar?' O_o Since it got popped my cherry can't be re-popped! I don't know of any medals women win for longest time to lock up shop and I'm certainly the wrongest contender for such a Honor. I'm not going to sulk to your misery needs company self. I'm 1 woman who follows her natural, instinctive impulses. I liked the guy, we had something. I got bored, i moved on- like duh! keep yourself under the hot sun till your crushes for me melt. Cos you and I can never happen, never was, never will.*tongues out*

 There were no emotional commitments with pilot and don't misquote me i don't detest him as a person hence your 'sleeping with an enemy' talk doesn't hold water. I think I was bored and somehow i'm glad, the side chick role he wanted me to fit in perfectly, after i conquer the main chick, some other woman would play that side chick role with me and then the cycle continues. Yes i beef his cosmopolitan beauty for letting her win and i coming a distant second, maybe i beef her gross for being so pretty, however in the long run she's the net loser!(Now that is just pure beef xo...LoL) okay yes that's some cheap consolation but truth is that drama was becoming an endless soap like that Paloma and Diego story i beefed that chick she was always feeling like the finest woman in Mexico #Bleh and i hate those Mexican soaps BTW. I don't do soaps I do drama. Okay the actual truth is he rammed me from behind in a way i felt was equivalent to covering my face with the pillow. And that was why my walk of shame was really shameful cos it came with lotsa pain. (>_<) #dead

 I'm not a 'who is going to buy the cow when the milk is free woman' cos those cows need regular milking. I'm more of a 'kiss frogs till i meet charming kinda woman', and believe me i sure have kissed some really fugly frogs. Like seriously, some frogs that are the U in ugly- LOL.

 I would stop LaLa by reminding you that this is 2012,  i make my decisions for work, education and financial independence, i vote and can be voted for, But I've my thumb in my mouth enough to depend on you to define when it is okay to copulate and with whom to copulate with because i don’t want you and your friends to call me 'that farm instrument' over bottles of cold beer, 'Okay lala i’m on my 3rd date,we kissed last week is it okay to... Now?' Or I'm supposed to look pretty and sit pretty till I'm 'lucky' enough to find a fine gentleman who would make a good woman out of a maiden? Is that the entirety of the job description, get it popped then zip-it till i get some lucky dude to take me then we live happily ever after? Is that the end of your fairy tale?  Is who i'm shagging defining me or does who I'm not shagging determine the quality of husband i end up with??

 If charmings aren't dogs and live happily ever after with their princesses why are they chasing maidens about town? Then you come up with the perfect cheating vs. Commitment excuse to not throw a good man away because of his perfect blunders (like Duh! they are like deflated tyres utterly useless) but I'm to sit pretty and zip-up because I'm like his property or personal commodity stock who he invests pretty nice shoes in. Honestly i wont mind my conquistadors stooping to conquer me, and I definitely won't mind being a personal property if i’m tastefully furnished though...(•͡.̮ •͡ ) LOL

 Move on LaLa there is no story here i’ve no shame live with it.

*CL- Christian Louboutin

*BTW- By The Way

Scribbles: A TRIP TO LALALAND by LaLa

I'm sitting by a chair on a table, I'm sitting on a chair at a table, I'm sitting on a chair with a table, etc. What you are witnessing is a series of random thoughts going through critical evaluation in order to determine which phrase best suites my thought by explaining my situation without the slightest hint of ambiguity. Nevertheless, how precise can anyone be in a world full of contradictions and/or distractions. i apologize and with shame [as much shame as i felt the first time i slept with my friend's sister- none] suggest that you pardon my manners and also believe in my newly found resolve as i graciously say "welcome to lala land".

      What is lala land? is it a joke? haha, I'm laughing already and please do feel free to laugh along with me only if you've got a complete set of teeth. lala land? is it a myth? i wish. a fantasy? maybe. a reality? definitely! what is this reality? lala land is a reality [though unreal] and seeks to strike a balance between whats real and whats ideal. or at least combine both concepts appropriately to emanate a conviction about life.

      What is life? life is love [oh xo]. Is that right? or as i often do not like to hear; life is beautiful. Not with so much prevalent ugliness in persons and personalities and its eating deep and fast into the very fibers that form the structures of our today. in other words, ugliness has become a trend. life, like school or schooling can only be defined via experience. It is something you go through and only those who've "been there and done that" so to speak can in retrospect have a say i.e express their views, thoughts, concepts, etc and in their own words too. basically if you want to define school, ask a graduate and if its life you seek to define, ask the dead. O_o Better yet, you could die and find out which will amuse me no more than a professor whom after making a profound statement, asks  a blind man if he 'sees' the point.

      At a party the other day [house party- my favorite] with the unusually loud music and trash conducts people engage in after too much sips and puffs on the grass, myself included, i met a girl i liked or thought i did. Noticing she was tipsy, i heroically urged her on to the front porch and sat on a chair far away from the noise and frenzy going on in the house so i could concentrate on the noise starting in my own head as i stare at this beauty [remembers xo… then snaps back to reality]. we got chatty, specifically about the party- the people, the drinks, the fun, the gifts and went on to play a game of truth or dare.

       To whom do i owe this pleasure? do i thank GOD for creating alcohol or thank him for creating those geniuses that created it. Consciously, i let my eyes travel every nook and cranny of this flowers anatomy and i couldn't help but think to myself that she had more 'curves' than a bad road. lean towards her for a kiss i told myself. lean one, two and thr… and just as i was about to gather courage [as if it were pieces to be put together] she woke me up as she said and i quote: i like gifts, especially edibles. sounds familiar? suddenly realizing that she'd been doing the talking she questioned; what do you do? "gifts"  "edibles", these two words seemingly took over my mind like a  virus and without a second thought, first thought or any thought at all i replied; I'm a pilot. sounds familiar! (•͡_ •͡

         Even if i can't fly (though the grass makes me believe I can), i was definitely looking fly i thought to myself the following morning when i woke up on the same porch but on the floor now and found a paper neatly folded into my shirt pocket. it had a name and a number.

          I can't  say that i know where the truth begins. but i do know it ends where the lies start. so much for 'real' and 'ideal'. i have definitely got my fingers crossed.

Article: RE: BACK TO MY BASICS by LaLa

You cried, Heaven cried, God in all his glory with his cohorts sympathized with you and religiously true, so did I. I am in all honesty offering to you my deep and sincere apologies. I do realize the role of a mother in the life of her daughter is crucial. Heavens be praised it was a near loss and not a total one.

After reading your write-up, I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve had other things going on amidst your current predicament. I think you are over it and so am i. Relieved. I’ve seen cases where people actually lose a loved one in the morning and by midday they are effortlessly digging into a big bowl of Africa dish. How hypocritical. Or on second thought, life must continue. Maybe not so fast if you truly feel a deep connection to this person.

 Oddly, I can’t seem to phantom ladies and their priorities sometimes coz last we talked you were highly disgusted with ‘the pilot’. Good thing I expressed your element of attraction for him before you did. I was sure dazed to read that you made his bed rock with his mum somewhere in the picture.

I’ve heard from a table, a chair or even a bathtub that women work their way into a man’s heart with a sumptuous meal. This is true coz it’s either; the good food brings back the memories of moms cooking and the thought of you eating from her pot for the rest of your life might summon and funny enough, be engrossing. Or for those that didn’t have a mom or mom to cook they might feel easily comforted with a good home cooked meal as it has been a deniable deep craving like forever. That could simply be the magic of one good (obviously not xo’s) home cooked meal.

The same furnitures told me that a man’s humor is his greatest tool in cultivating seeds of affection into a woman’s heart but nurture it with gifts. Or the gifts before the humor, in whatever circumstances one finds. This all is true but not general. Not general because in xo’s case, the pilot wasn’t exactly a Chris Rock or an Ali Baba but he was ‘Gifty’. Neither is xoxo a good cook or at least no cooking was mentioned but interesting enough that didn’t stop the ball from rolling. DYT Hypocrite.

Too often I hear about how people eat themselves to sleep, eat to stupor, fever at times. I have heard about people eating even to death but never in my life, sober or not, have I heard of anybody eat their way into sleeping with an enemy. And they say men are dogs, Gross. "I disgust you for tapping the azz of women i despise?" We are not so different after all. A wise man once said gifts can pave way where there is none and now more than ever I believe that saying.

Being a guy it feels really good to know that the pilot eventually scored, for all its worth… I mean after all those gifts xo had ingested she must have been ‘choking’ with guilt enough to feel a nagging urge to payback the pilot and she did in a way many other ladies of low virtue, little or no means to an earning would. Which is offering yourself as a gift or sacrificial lamb, since you can’t afford to return or buy back the gifts. Call it presumption, call it happenstance. That been said as a guy and also as your close friend in the 'friend zone' I must say you dropped some MAJOR points. So much for your ‘guys are dogs’ bull. And yes we are, only if you ladies will admit to being ‘beaches’.

Personally, I think I would be sending you some gifts too, soon, especially edibles. Little wonder why.

NB: Those shoes you are surprisingly eager to keep but couldn’t eat will serve as a vivid reminder of how you and many other ladies out there have their thumbs in their mouth. I’m still on your case like a hungry lawyer though. Even in your infinite shallowness i still have some element of inclination for you.

*DYT- Do your thing

Sweetnotes: CHOCOLATE ROMANCE by Deux

The gentle breeze the playful drizzle hearts palpating. He fills my mouth with his name, his breathe, his kisses and when he fills me he’s hotter than Hades. He’s next to me my ‘customs beau’ for long years. I am lost in the ecstasy of this being.

Seconds ago I felt empty, dark; worn, faded like my blue denim hung on the clothe-line his beatitude dries like the love hate they say lies in a fine line.

He has been a beautiful heart and has been my only family since I was 19. Our friendship as solid as diamonds, he embraces my several dark parts but somehow conveniently remains an option. Why are you an option? I really don’t get my emotions they are a midlife crises, I really don’t get my emotions they are MEN-opausal.

But Deux what about loyalty?

He's my 1^st and I put him 1^st he’s probably my best. He’s adorned in my heart like a crest and crowned unlike the rest, but somehow I’m still searching for something, we are both searching and I always pray he doesn't find it 1st. We've history, a long one, a bitter-sweet one but with him I'm like the only woman in the world. 2 years ago I had a pregnancy scare. He knew he wasn’t the father still he held my hands while the doctor counseled. I’m in tears; I lose control of my feet and I'm reduced to both knees.

 Later at home, after the tears, I felt something leave him, and got consumed with fear. We grew somewhat distant but we always meet at some point again.

It rains on my palms like fallen crystals he sing to me with words that rhyme but it is there like teenage mood swings, when will it die?

Yet am scared to let go, it slaps me out of my fantasies and then abuses my reality. Yet he’s loved me plain like a song from the rhythm of my tongue.

I watch him fade into the hollows, he drives away and the dust follows. Now my heart is covered in thorns I would miss him but not for long.