25 things to do before 25 by xoxo Part II

#1 Take Your Litmus Gold test


Whatever you define as your own standards of rich, by all means date a rich guy! And the reason is simple women are categorized into2 types: - the full-time goldiggerz and the occasional goldiggerz!

Occasional in the sense that she isn’t always after a guys’ hard earned sweat i.e. money isn’t the major factor but has to be a factor and full-timers in the sense that every type Is her type provided you “show me the $$” i.e. money is the only factor, like am yet to see a woman who will turn down say CL* shoes as a gift even if she has over 3 unused pairs, and even if the gift is coming from a man that is physically not her type. And this is immaterial of whether she has got her own money or not.

That’s why with women it’s never enough, shoes, gold, bags, clothes, diamonds or faux diamonds it’s just never enough.

So dating a rich guy before 25 is your ultimate litmus test to tell the kind of goldigger you have grown up to be; afterwards you can genuinely say “ye I liked his money but I loved the guy” or “ye I loved his money, not so much the guy himself” or exclaim dryly “he his stingy!”…the stingy card is more often than not associated with bankers.

To date a banker I must be lonely, ugly, old, and horny even if I’m already 2 of the 4…lol…I mean who dates bankers? except bankers themselves of course or other women who have run out of options i.e. 4 out of the 4….meaning bankers are everybody’s last bait why? They are seemingly or perceivably stingy. N.B if you think you love him while he’s yet to be rich believe me you would be over the heels in love once he begins to spend that dough.

The Nigerian environment on its own makes relationship hard work, so guys you don’t have any options money in romance is the most important thing, I dare say it’s the only important thing, well that is after sex…lol. You see the sex thing breaks all the rules, so if you are not exactly a sex Adonis you have no other option than up your $$ game but nobody says she won’t still be rocking the magic stick of a sex Adonis by the side…who said life was fair???lol

So after dating a rich guy a lot of ladies actually do test positive to gold digging. I failed my goldigging test woefully too many times to care. I’m a goldigger fair and square but I’m better than millions of others out there I’m an occasional goldigger .hehehehe

Okay full-time goldiggers have to feel good about digging you are envied by me, I mean mom always says "what is worth doing is what doing well",and I believe her. It’s not an easy job ask professional drenchers and leeches it’s highly labor intensive, time consuming and emotionally draining. You sacrifice love, romance and always have to keep your mind on nothing but the price cos every day is a work day, in fact you’ll should be taxed!

Well men think 99.9% of women are full-time goldiggers anyway only that the one’s that actually have the gold worth digging in the first place constitute only 1% of the total population and are occasionally
emotionally unavailable. Women view every other woman who does a better job at digging as terrible goldiggers e.g. wives as much as the society likes to view them as squeaky clean and victims they are the biggest goldiggers alive, single ladies are only able to scramble the crumbs that fall off their tables but sustain themselves by pooling from serial monogamous relationships.

Some guys fall into the euphoria of she loves me for who I am, I’m sure she does but when a man going through say a divorce asks his wife what went wrong between us she goes something like we don’t have spark anymore so that brings us to what constitutes a spark in a relationship; romantic dinners, holiday vacations, roses, perfumes even a cheap trip to tantalizers involves money so women are advised while digging responsibly to dig hard as possible, because while men are known to put their mouth were their money is they are not necessarily smart about that e.g. you hear men say something like she’s so easy I had her after buying chips and chicken or after taking her clubbing. Meaning in other words even if I had to lay you and you also wanted to be laid so bad you would have let me spend loads more rather than consider me…so you automatically become devalued by being you.

Guys think 30% of men are whack in bed, women think 60% of noisemakers are whack in bed but in reality 80% of men are really whack in bed so that means there is a 0.8% probability chance of ending up with a whacker at least if you must stay there must be something in it for you.
So the moral of the story is let the men spend, they really want to! They love us for being goldiggerz.

25 things to do before 25 by xoxo

1 Sex on the Beach

  It has only 1 rule; there is No shame to have no shame.

  Yeah yeah lotta sex therapists would tell you, you learn by touching yourself. I say you learn by getting your adrenaline pumped. I have a friend who came for the first time in her life first then peed on herself when a gun was pointed to her head she dare not mention she would so love to be robbed again…lol

  School was amazing, thank you for the mails and my exams were even better someone asked me for the high points of exams for me its cumin during exams…yeah I said it I actually cum during exams. You know that rush that comes when you are not done writing and you hear the invigilator scream ‘pens up!!!’ and there is pandemonium, people are rushing, jumping on tables trying to submit and you are still writing and then out of nowhere you feel it boiling inside of you about to explode then….then….then……….yeah that’s the feeling. I know I’m not alone it’s so satisfying… better than an A+, I didn’t just say that…*covers mouth* mom I’m sorry.

Like having sex at the back sit of the car other women have that feeling for example when they cheat on their men, it makes the sin sweeter and your residence in hell even bigger...lol. Remember what I always say about enjoying one’s sins? That’s the whole idea it’s not the sin by itself it’s the thought of getting caught that is the steaze. My icing on cake orgasm I must say was at the beach and like whitney houston’s song if I’m asked what I did with my life I would say I achieved the best orgasm ever…when you consider all the women who have never had one you would realize yeah! It’s that much of a big deal!

I’m not a fan of the beach, So while the whole country is going gaga about the MOG’s purchasing private jets im going gaga myself cos bf is still away and my 6 months celibacy makes me assess the bulge in the pelvic region of everything that moves in pants I said bulge not ‘V’ shapes…hehehe who would have thought that? The day would come when the hardest mysteries would be solved on the beach?

Okay let me gist you about that experience it was sexmazing it was my final paper yeah I hadn’t read jack shit but I could befriend Jack Daniels, that’s the shit, you won’t let that just pass with the roll of grass.

You know sometimes to get the orgasm you picture another guy making love to you, for some its exes who give amazing heads or for the shallow types it could even be any Brad Pitt in the magazine covers…the naïve once call names I mean that’s just so dumb! You are screwing Ope and moaning Ayo, how and why??? Wait a minute! It’s not just the cheating by itself or the adrenaline pop it’s all in your imagination babes that’s the brain house of that power orgasm… learn to activate The f*ckatoids!!!

Okay I had this amazing fugly frog moment with this whimsical borrower….. It was sex in the beach with multiple midstream orgasms, like words can’t even begin to describe… okay the procedure is this 1^st relax with the grass. The beach is the best place to get the rizlar rolled and burnt out like an airtime. Now to what end is that? so in my mind I had motive like he did so we go to the sea side I miss my steps on purpose I had my whole thinking straight and I had it all planned out but I needed an excuse just in case it seemed awkward afterwards

 quiet or it could be the determination to let nothing stop us, the chic moaning next to us must have been in my mind or she must have been me…lol, her pleasurable cries fueled the flames of mindless passion it was heavenly, footsteps seemed faint and then close and then right next to us. Musicians didn’t lie, I felt I was flying over the moon and cupid cherubs were playing the violin. Sex and grass with the master mix four elements of earth, air, wind and fire!!! it was an insanely dangerously combo I couldn’t have enjoyed his vicious bites better, even the spirits of the water in jealous range fought hard as the Water continued aggressively coming, but I was cumin, I didn’t care if I died at that point I would have died fighting the orgasmic fight!

  After all was done while the vanquished was too petrified to speak, the victor was too self-satisfied to care.

  So the moral of a story is if you are a customs officer and need to be posted far away to the deserts of the north and then you leave your incredibly hot and horny Gf in the south then Buy her a vibrator rather than allow another guy do the vibrating. Warning to my Bf!!!

Dear Diary: Fugly Frogs iii By XoXo

HI! Guys sorry I’ve been MIA I’m moving cribs.

Role Playerz:

 I met this 'brutally honest and extremely likeable dude' I liked him a whole lot and the feelings were mutual for a very long time. But there was a ‘but’ he had a Gf and not just a Gf the extent that they were unmarried only because she wasn’t ready.

 He always gave us identical gifts BUT hers was always somewhat superior because I was the other woman. For example we went on a trip to Obudu he took her to Europe. Another time he bought me a cake, a tablet and the latest curve for my birthday at the time, he got her dinner with hers friends an i-pad and the latest bold.

 One typical day we were to hang out but he comes to pick me with Gf at the front sit we just say hi and off we went. They start an intimate conversation and it was really funny to them, thank God for the technology of phones I just kept busy with it doing nothing in particular. The annoying thing is when we arrived his friends were there already. There were 2 guys with dates and 1 without a date yes you thought right I was introduced as the 3^rd guys Gf. The guys English was so bad I couldn’t even pretend to like him. It felt rather condescending. That day we hooked up i launched my favorite dress the one with polka dots; my anger calmed after getting tipsy on many more vodka shots.

Relationships these days: One male, one female, one ex trying to mess it up & one friend, in my case 'other woman', secretly hoping it ends. I despised the poor girl despite the fact that I was the intruder. In as much as this is one fugly frog I honestly liked maybe even loved but love isn’t blind in my case, it’s actually retarded and I was just so done playing the other woman. Then it was a game now its just so lame.

Crazy Infatuation:

 My sisters and I tripped for my dad’s friend, a certain ‘captain’ dude but because I was really young I wasn't vocal about it, it remained my quiet fantasy.

 I never got this one’s number to start with and I don't know why its making my list but every time as a teenager I soliloqized about him and wanked. So as usual one day while wanking in the bath tub after climaxing I opened my eyes and saw her shadow. She was the nosy neighbor the one we all grew up despising omg* I forgot to pull down the window curtains.

 It was my custom ‘nightmare on Shonibare Street’ and she became my ‘Freddy Krueger’. Every day I saw her eyes piercing through me like a poisoned arrow. When I walked to school, ran errands, she seemed to be everywhere all of a sudden. She literally stalked me. And you bet she didn’t just tell my folks she told the whole street.

 My sister took it a notch higher she held his picture as she had hers; nosy neighbor came knocking at the same time my sister excused herself to go to the bathroom. You trust she added salt to the already peppery situation and she said we all did it. In fact I who sat next to mom just got out of the bath. I had this shocked expression slapped on my face like a guy in orgasm I was brought back to reality with another heavy slap pasted on my back #classic case of worse place worst timing.

 Mom was embarrassed she stomped her feet like she always did when she was mad and started banging at the bathroom door at the same time my sis was cumin so she couldn’t stop, she was just screaming “mommy I’m sorry, I’m cumin, I’m sorry, I'm cumin, I'm cumin ooOooO! ah!! ah!!! ahhhhhhh!!!!!” It’s still the butt of jokes at home but at least I wasn't the one mommy caught doing the main thing. I had to purge him from my system before I lose my mind.

 Her own kids all got preggies and still live home with their mama, so much for “virgin kids” and that’s a lesson to all busybody neighbors…lol #justkidding the story didn’t end that way, more like it ended were it stopped.

 Dragon Breath:

 I had this bf he smoked like a chimney hence he not only had bad breath, I'm not saying he is ugly, I'm just saying he’s always about 8 vodka shots away from being my type, but I must add he also stank of money, all the fine denominations.

 As acquisitive as I can get, for the 1st time ever in the history of my brief stay on earth I actually questioned shopping sprees over good health. Omg* it was nothing but a good living definition of a stench from the latrine pits and as enjoyable spending his money felt i was just wondering how I was going to cope with such health menace. It was literally an unhealthy relationship and I chose my doctor’s advice. That unhealthy relationship caused headaches, stress & a waste of my time. The cure for this is to be single.

 I honestly can’t say for sure if this was one of the times I should have just ignored his (docs) advice and I don't know how girls who vote shopping sprees do it but I sure as hell couldn't stand that bad breath.

 Isn't it a pity that the richy kitty actually, literally turned out to be quite shitty? Guess I still have a lot to learn from the best. Always laugh at life.

*preggies - pregnant

*MIA - missing in action

Sweetnotes: SUPERHUMANS by Deux

He was like a domino while I fell for him he fell for another; “my papa doesn’t like you” were his words, it hurt cos it took 7years to tell me, it was 7 years gone with very few words.

I moved to a self-contain were you would term ‘a ghetto’, it was a far cry from the life I always knew. I saw sun rise and sun set each day, I knew only the time I saw through the window. My new love was poverty I smelled it, poverty kissed me goodnight every night and robbed my stomach empty, poverty wrapped me at night like a stolen blanket.

I always left my door opened I only locked my door net not because of the heat but so I would see him quicker should he change his mind. He didn’t. Like my father didn’t when he walked away from my mom when I was but a teenager. My mom was left with cancer; so she left with cancer when I was 17.

I knew hurt, I knew death, I knew how to be abandoned, I knew how to be the dirty dried rag on your wall.

Neighbors called me names they said I was too old to be alone, Classmates were way worse, they called me a loner, Society was harsh it had given up on me.

I was tired. I was hungry, I was lonely but I needed only one thing, I needed love. I remembered Mom always said I must give love to get love. There was only one problem; there was no one to give.

I was that woman you are afraid to be, that woman broke and broken.

I walked the same route to school every day. The sun burnt my face blind so I didn’t notice the familiar gate till today, it was nostalgic. I was about 10 years old when I first walked through those gates it was a school excursion and I promised myself I would be back. 20 years on like a dejavu, the wind of my destiny blew me to its tracks. Albeit the hard blow I walked for charity, I worked for free. There were still some familiar faces and I was a familiar stranger.

I taught fine art, I taught them to paint and draw, and they taught me to draw my pains.

Toma and Uwem were my favorites they were about my age. Toma for the bond, Uwem for the love.

Uwem always said he would marry me he only needed a chance to prove himself, when I asked how? He stretched his hand to share his biscuits with me, when I took it he was by himself.

 I spent my whole months teaching him to identify orange still he called it blue, he said I was pretty that even if he forgets colors he won’t ever forget my name and he stayed true.

 All his teachers scolded him for those words, I didn’t mind I liked him a lot just maybe; he was handsome, stood gallantly, fair smile but he was speech impaired with the brain of a baby.

He was a normal boy with a shy cry, and thought he could fly to the sky; but he was everything more gracious, everyway stronger.

Toma painted happy faces on paper with her toes, she misses her dad. When she cried she wiped her face with her shoulders, she couldn’t use her arms. Everytime she saw me she wiggled her head and clapped her feet. She was a jewel in soul and in beauty so full of charm.

She told me she would get married someday; she was far from my reality. She clings to her beliefs the way her bra clings her breasts.

 Her words were always coated with wisdom of the aged, her person; her spirit had an alluring aura. When friends say they want a woman who is beautiful in and out I often wonder would they want a Toma?

 I drew my conclusions in my heart with her different shades of paints. She was happy and so content I was almost ashamed of my complaints.

She was a normal girl with fears and cares you could almost taste but she was everything kinder, everyway richer.

I always imagined if my story was different, if I wasn’t me would I still be insecure? Would I be happier? Would I have my parents? Would they be alive today to help me be stronger?

Would I have an ego, be conceited, delusional? Or be lucid, simple, closer to angels than humans?

All my worries of life! I meet those who should worry but make the best of theirs, living if only to make others thankful…I own a clock now and I wake up each morning with gratitude to God for my life. I’ve been an ingrate; I’ve been a fool. If not for anything but because I’m whole.

I looked at life through Uwem and Toma; even if they seem unwholesome they have the power to heal, but I’m only human they are superhuman.

Dedicated to all pupils and housemates of Modupe Cole memorial school, Yaba. Home for the physically and mentally handicapped.

Sweetnotes: The love that got away by RUDY

I lost my love "Mama", I don't know how many souls can relate to me. She is everything that I've ever wanted. All of my life I thought I already know what love is. But Mama showed me a whole new meaning of love.

I can kiss her for hours, time seems to stop when I'm with her, we can talk for countless hours, her soul seems to be connected to me, I can easily understand what she feels, I can easily know what is on her mind. We can just stay in bed and make love for hours and forget the whole world. I made love to her more than anyone else in my life. Making love to her even three times a day seems so easy and it's such a pure joy. We make love with our body and soul.

I just love everything about her, her hair is perfect, the smell of her porcelain skin, her green eyes that changes to gray when there's a bit of lights. Her hands fit perfectly to my hands when we hold each other. Her face is the most beautiful that I have ever seen, when she looks at me, I can see through her soul. I can see how much she loves me. I just love her in so many ways.

It started with a kiss, and after we kissed, it was my first 9ja kiss, I even dreamed about it, we are together every day yet even in my sleep I'm still dreaming about her. I swear I never felt connected so much with someone my whole life. But it hurts that am writing this behind you. When I hug her I feel I have in my arms everything that I need.

I want to be with her but we met at the wrong time of my life, I want to give up everything that I have but It will hurt the people that I love. I chose not to hurt the people I love over her at the end, I chose to let her go in order for me to stop hurting her, I chose to be dead inside so she can have her life back. How I wish that my life is not complicated so I can be happy, so we can be happy.

Here's all you have to know about men and women, women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

It's been years but I swear there was never a day that I did not think of Mama, I said to myself that if I just forget Mama for a day maybe I can start to move on, but it never happened. Each day of my life I still remember Mama, anything seems to remind of Mama. I am dead inside and Mama is the only one who can bring back the life inside of me. My life seems perfect from the outside, but my heart is just totally missing, Mama took it with her when she left. I had many chances to bring Mama back in my arms but I chose what seems to be right in the sight of everyone. I chose not to hurt others, I chose to forget myself, I chose to let go of Mama so she can have a new life, I hope she will be happy even without me. But as for me I know I will just spend the rest of my life reminiscing our time together and imagining what could have been if I chose my own happiness over the happiness of others, I need my true Love, I need my life.

Dear diary: MY FUGLY FROGS part ii by xoxo

Inglorious Churchboiz:-

You see them in every churchservice looking all pious. Chief culprit are the supposed 'altar-boys' just when you are getting used to their early morning devotional text messages they slap you with surprises and pictures of early morning hard-ons and then demand to see yours. You would think we girls have grown smarter than conceding to their requests you would also think choristers are smarter than to undergo 9mnths compulsory courses with choir masters with record-breaking distinctions.

My friend forced us (my friends and I including LaLa) to church years back,we met her pastor, he said I had a seductive spirit and they all nodded in unison and it was agreed I needed deliverance. I wasn’t sure I wanted to get rid of such a spirit-if it existed…lol, but I embarked on the 3daysfast sincerely because I wanted to fit into the new R&R pair of jeans I bought 2months ago that don’t fit, afterwards I headed for his church for vigil.Don’t think you don’t know him cos you do, I still see him on TV oozing all his egocentric sexiness that could literally get you blind. Anyway he calls me to his office to pray after the service and as I was waving my hands screaming halleluiah to the heavens,I’m stunned to see both hands milking my barracudas at half past seven, that I was dumbfounded is an understatement.

This time both the devil and the supposed seductive spirit in me were blamed. Even my friend couldn’t believe I didn’t seduce him, not that she didn’t trust me she just had so much reverence for her pastor.You bet I didn’t just lose the number but for a long time I lost my faith.

Married bachelors:-

I met this delicious guy at this bachelor’s eve.We exchanged numbers,flirted and it was all fun and games till I realized he was the groom.Married men are a big NO for me, I like pretty boys but not to be treated like a kiddy toy.  After picking my jaw from the floor I tried to get rid of him…honestly I did but give it to the guy he was persistent.

He always called even in my rashness and coldness, on his honey moon he called with that voice sweet as honey, his wife worked in another state 'he just needed a friend to talk to' hence friends we remained but on this eventful day I had to hook up with him to pick some job templates.So there I was headed to what I thought was a bar but alas! It was his house. He wasn’t even bothered about his neighbors, his status, I even felt more strain than he did, and for good reasons too.

Anyway cos the traffic heading to his place after work was mad, it was unsafe to leave for Magodo. Let’s just say that night he was going all‘Jogodo’. As he strolled about in his fresh pair of boxers believe me when I say ‘he was all shades of freshness’ thanks to my weak conscience and pictures of his wife staring at me with piercing repulsion my strong desires lose power because A conscience does not prevent sin, it only prevents you from enjoying it. What’s the point not enjoying ones sins?Lol, draw your conclusions on different sheets of paper. I lost that number too afterwards, we couldn’t remain friends or I could lose my conscience too.

Whimsical Borrowers:-

They give you an incentive to keep you going back like a satisfied customer and they manipulate you to possibly pay double of all they have ever given you, and no, I don’t mean your neighborhood store.

This carrot and stick approach I fell for honestly not once, I’m not even pretending to be innocent, non-superficial or non-covetous but I'm a sucker for a man who can work-it under the sheets.Okay the story, this faithful day while chilling in-between gist's, while excitedly hinting about the new car he would buy me once the deal-clicks.

He makes a call and next thing he's sad and lamenting about being broke and needing to travel immediately cos some guys are trying to double cross him, I promise to give him the money for his travels out of compassion, to be honest it had nothing to do with his earlier vows or his prowess.He intentionally keeps his phone away from me, you know-playfully, in a way a dumb woman won’t notice. To cut the story short Hours later I got hold of the phone and guess what? The call he made at the time was to customer care! For real!! You play me with a machine? I would give him a B for Innovation.I know I cannot place MYSELF between the ingenious and the profound but I’m certainly not a woman with a lot of foolishness.

Okay maybe a little foolishness cos in my blonde moment I still gave him the dough… I’m not always that stupid so believe me that day I must have made an extra effort. You bet I deleted that number too!

Fresh Explorers:-

“New money hits”, Guys that are new in the city make some virgin cool dough and want to pay and taste for everything and anything that walks on legs before they die, many are dimwits who can’t even speak English,the unexposed exposing their underexposures.

 I met this 2 jokers, but I would make an example of the more interesting of the duo, pure mediocre.They should be approximately 30 by age but 15by experience it’s not hard to tell. If you follow many of my posts it will be common knowledge that Where there's a will, I definitely want to be in it. So the will it was.

 I met him those days when I still walked from my house to the bus-stop and believe me that was some walk, anyway we became friends till we had to unbecome friends. He asks let me kiss you, you say no!, then he goes- how much?

One day while minding my own business he begs to take me out on a date, so off we went it was nice until coming back he asks to get laid and tells me he can pay anything, I get offended he says his car is allergic to unreasonable people and I had to alight, I mean that was on a bridge running over the sea, well he didn't care he said 'he would go pick someone worth the while'. Now that was a walk that's still vivid 10years after, the worst part is days after he sends a message begging for a fresh date offering to pay me for accepting to go on that date.

I lack words to describe the conduct of this type of product but I do hope they come in refined packages these days. Do you need to be told? The number left faster than it came.Looking back now that's a #classic fugly frog.

Lord of the Rings:-

They understand the 'new era' female physiology that the quickest way “in” is to propose marriage and propose they do with faux- diamond rings that sparkle from all angles, but can't be compared to the sparkle in your eyes which dims like candles,the moment you are confronted with the tangled truth that you are one of many 'ring bearers' and that includes your best friend and your neighbors daughter,such an embarrassing triangle.

 She’s the one who calls you 'aunty'-yes while attending her bridal shower my best friend and I discovered we've just been showered with rings of stupidity, I snapped my head to lucidity,believe meI’m as serious as a heart attack.Sure y’all get the message.

Sweetnotes: THE NIGHT BEFORE THE ALLEY By Deux

It was my best kept secret, the more I ran the faster it followed in my heals.

 The night I pulled the trigger it was colder than the devils heart the night was dark like the moon was clothed in pitch black.

She gasped amidst the gaping hole in her head.

He tried to remind me that he loved me as I made him kiss the mouth of my gun, he trembled as he pointed at our wedding pictures blood dripping from his face like it did the first time he hit me. He was trying to buy more sand for his hourglass, I wasn't selling any.

They were both dead. The final gunshot was the means to this very end. I released my finger from the trigger.

And then it was over. I got in and then shut the doors of my Rover.

Naked wires in our apartment had sparked a fire the papers had reported, the flames couldn't burn away my past it was sealed and heated. They only made the pain inside me sedated.

I sat at my usual spot at the alley, no one knew me here. I watched as mice fought irrationally, they reminded me of my life and how I fought to keep everything that mattered to me but now didn’t matter. To make any kind of sense of it, you need to go back to my past, back to the night the pain begun.

I walk in with the good news i leap with joy I swing the door open, my legs get numb, my sweat freeze like ice, he was right on top of my sister… my only blood… I let it stew.

I might have laughed, if I had remembered how, I cried instead that’s all I could do now. From that night he ignored the ring on my finger and put another in my eye and then it became often.

Sometimes I think I thought with my wrong head but I dismissed the thought the moment my toaster erupted my burnt bread. I was back to what was left of my home and genuinely mourned them both. No one can hide their pity glances I don’t know how I feel now I’m alone.

Here is my best kept secret I guess that i just leaked it.

Dear diary: TOADALY IN LOVE by lala

          OK Miss mystique, you’ve been around and I get it. What i don’t get is the fact (or plain/plane truth) that you date different guys for one peculiar reason or another that only you can figure but you don’t seem to be able to find one of your peculiar reasons to go out with me. That’s the PLANE truth but i must admit that it doesn’t FLY with me. #Lame. You refuse to date me and the more i think about it, it seems like you’ve never considered it. Maybe not till i let you in on a lil' secret about how my 'Willie' is so small that countless times girls, ladies, women and i dare say even mothers (defo unmarried and necessarily single) have thanked me after a sexperience. *slaps chest*. Or how some of these different classes of 'flowers' have offered me in your own slanguage 'douche' after i made a sexample out of them. *dusts shoulders*. 

          It’s saddening how your posts hit a nerve often and at the same time funny how it never lasts. As in you’ve been very lucky not to have ever stepped on my last nerve as the saying goes. Either that or i cannot be committed to staying angry at you. I too, could go on and on about my sexcapades and trust me wen i say that list is endless but i will seize to do so with all the modesty i can muster right now which very frankly is only as minute as a grain of sand. So i think we can both agree that since it’s my trumpet, i could blow it a little. And you can blow me if i might add. Yummy. O_o

         Besides me being lala 'the great'

(•͡_ •͡) and my obvious attraction for ‘you know who’, I think i should enlighten you a little about myself. Yes i am tall, dark n somewhat handsome, which automatically pulls my way attention, and it’s something i relish religiously with the best of intentions. Although I’m not rich, i am proudly capable of satisfying a woman who is not a glutton but I do not mind a huge sexual appetite. *licks lips*. I grew up in a large family with sisters, aunts, lots of female cousins and my latest but not recent acquisitions; my beloved sisters in-law. Basically as you would have noticed i grew up around lots of ladies, all of whom have helped me shape my mentality till date. So i am guessing the big question is what do i know about the opposite sex? One thing is for sure and it’s a fact, that though a stupid lady can claim to know what a man wants, the seemingly clever ones don’t seem to know what they themselves want. I would give you an example and then afterwards whether you concur or not is a topic for another day so on that specific issue case adjourned. *slams hammer*. 

        I’m looking through my windows (not the computer one) and all I see is a very good friend of mine and neighbor. After his wedding he got the apartment next to mine, which he furnished to his taste just like he did his bride, little did he know that the contractor he hired for professional services lent some of his expertise to the wife. Mr. Husband was a hard worker who kept late night’s cos of meetings to be held, and appointments to be kept, and with good reasons too cos he didn’t just bring home the bacon but the best of brands you would find on any shelf. Interior decorator indeed cos he decorated the entire woman's interior severally with 'wet pleasures' until you guessed right the inevitable happened. Finally it was time for Mr. 'decor' to reap his returns on investment from his sperm bank. “Twins” the doctor had said what a profit! Mr. Husband knowing fully well he was sterile applied all the tricks in the book and then some more but got no confessions from his 'beloved' wife. He was unhappy and developed a drinking habit. Obviously we had something in common which was that i loved to drink and well… he just drank. Nevertheless we became friends and one day he shared his predicament while working the Johnny walker. After careful diagnosis i came up with a plan for him (smart lala always, thank you). To cut the long story short, on a very typical afternoon Mr. Husband came home and caught his wife red-handed. Red-handed literally, cos she was actually wearing her hussies favorite red gloves and milking Mr. decors Willie, dressed-up as a farm girl even with the pregnancy. Whoever said “wonders will never end” sure didn’t witness a scenario quite as marveling as this. Fortunately, i didn’t too but was told by my dear friend that same evening when we met at our usual spot something about him compressing Mr. Decor into his phone and sending him like a text message to a doctor. This time i couldn’t say if he was happy but i could tell he was relieved as he narrated how he sent his ex-wife (his words exactly) back to the villa, and finally broke all that reminded him of her which was basically everything she had in his house.   

          The bible says “he that findeth a wife findeth a good thing” but my friend lost a wife and everything good except his focus. What was reality to him was a lesson learnt for me. It is with much pride that i offer this advice to all up and coming lalas these days, do take my advice, I don't use it anyways… “If you must love, take a first, second, third and most importantly innermost look at who you are willing to love” you've got to sit down and work out where you stand  cos you might just not be as lucky as my neighbor, who GOD in his infinite mercy sent two saviors’.

         Personally, I think love is not my forte, infatuation is or maybe lust. If you are just like me you are in the right place. Clearly I’m not new at this and here are a few rigid tips that might guide you rightly about it. If the girl is fragile use a bed. If she’s shy do use a very comfy couch and please turn the lights off, especially if she's being led. If she’s nasty use anywhere in the kitchen or your dining set. If rude make it a quickie with her clothes on, but skirts wound up. If she’s the boss do it in her office and if she’s most importantly a xoxo, then by all means...

To be continued. 

*comfy-comfortable

*villa-village

Dear diary: MY FUGLY FROGS by xoxo

Yes I’m raining men right now, I seem to have it good with men these days but every single woman out there knows it’s not always so. Yesterday the guy who drove the car in front of me sluggishly was on a pretty girl’s case… ye she was fronting but she eventually got-in.

I wasn’t even mad it was nostalgic; it’s a stage we eventually outgrow. It reminded me of when I didn’t have a car or a job and men toasted me from the top of ‘okada’, some went from more than just that. I didn’t have a car to ride those days so they rode me err… sorry drove me.

I always find myself laughing when women say they dress to please themselves, well if you are a ‘slapper’ make sure you always look your best you would just never know who you would meet ;-)

In no order of preference here is a countdown of the most dramatic frogs I’ve kissed and why I loose their numbers.

Corporate Badguyz

It was my birthday and coincidentally ‘thank God it’s Friday’ my friend A came with bf B and my crazy roommate came with friends from work plus my toaster C. We all got drunk on vodka, cranberry juice and schnapps’ and when we (bf B and I) kissed; let’s just say I felt more than just synapsis. To avoid going into details I had to throw up in the bath and met an orgy when I got out. Good thing I was messed up so I just watched it, the guys were perfectly sober, and friend A had passed out it was crazy. The next day friend A came out she made a scene, a huge one. Meanwhile, everybody in the hostel after hearing the gist was falling down crying and lamenting to The Heavens about “How could this have happened?” personally I felt blank, I mean it was meant to be fun but somehow it got wild. I strongly believed something was mixed in those drinks but o_O well it doesn’t matter what they thought, what you think, so stop the Tripp’s Just because she flips and start to scream and maybe cry doesn’t mean I have to play along with you. I simply lost the rel-cute toaster C’s number cos that was the right thing to do.

The Boxer

I met this middle aged single guy, a record exec; really famous let your mind go wild with guesses ‘na you know’. I sensed there was something amiss and I’m sure my uncle who married a 35 year old virgin will agree, something was definitely amiss. At first he seemed like a sweet unlucky-in-love gentleman but to put it mildly he was a bully. He forcefully attached his emotions to my lack of emotion and literally monitored how I breathed.  In fact I had a programmed copy and pasted emotion and reaction to all his situations. I remember one lazy Saturday morning his eye was blood shot. He was raven-mad because he was up before me. I really don’t know how to finish his story but I do know I didn't want to end up on lindaikeji or ladunliadi as naijas next Rihanna and Chris brown and (I love CB BTW) so I ran till my heels touched my back head. And yep I deleted his number.

Baby mama Situation

Good boys go to heaven, bad boys go to UK. I know it’s a cliché but it isn’t further from the truth. Okay there where uncountable UK gangsta’s that had to leave my phonebook. Receiving early morning calls from wives and baby mamas I never even knew existed isn’t one of my bona fide strengths. From threats to appeals, I certainly don’t want to be in those shoes. One even met me in his house as I was sipping cold soda and chopping ‘kilishi’ when I heard the dude stammer “honey, I didn’t know you would be back today” all I remember is choking on the ‘kilishi’. How this one ended is story for another day but you guessed right some Lagos doctors made a lot of dough.

Signs from Heaven

September rain. I was crazy and over heels over one not-so-cute ‘heavy spender’ I won’t disclose his marital status but I know I had a drilling mental exercise with my conscience before laying him. He left the hotel early cosa house calls and I had a long-orgasmic sleep. My ringtone startled me, it was bf he didn’t understand what I was still doing in the school library, in that storm. I got up from bed and literally stepped on water ‘it was probably a burst pipe’ I thought till I looked out the window the rain had consumed the whole ground floor. I was trapped then the electricity went out, I couldn’t get home, bf was calling and worst of all I was going to die. I cried to God for the rain to stop but it didn’t. The rain poured heavily, persistently, I was weak. My neighbors said the streets were flooded only rooftops could be seen. I imagined my laptops and tablet floating on the water and my bf fuming in the traffic mad that I had turned off my phone but that was the only thing I could do. I promised God I won’t do this thing again if I left there alive. Some readers would ask if I did, guess I’m typing from heaven...lol. I’m bad at keeping promises though but I defo lost that number too, many bad signs from heaven!

Virtual Romance

From the once who asked me out on social network and chats and persistently asked for my number like I was deaf the very first time.  I get asked out over Blackberry, Facebook, and Twitter chat occasionally. I immediately labeled the guy as a lazy, childish, and ridiculous douche. So those ones don’t ever get my number to begin with…

To be continued.

*bf-boyfriend

*defo-definitely

*cosa-because

*dough-money

Scribbles: RANDOM THOUGHTS By Lala

            She likes me. She likes me not. She…. On i go childishly excited like a kid who just got his/her first bike about a certain girl I’m interested in. Oddly, i chose to delay myself the pleasure of an introduction and took my time to digest her countenance. A few days later, she finally confessed on a second date that she liked me and would be willing to hold hands with me in public. Hold up. "Hold hands in public" I like the sound of that. Although its not the first time a girl has asked me out, but with those exact words that was the first and as a very bad sharp guy i easily could read between the lines. So you go figure. 

            As much as i hate to blow my trumpet (my own trumpet o) i must say i am that cool. Cant stop wondering why xoxo can't see that or on the other hand i should just probably get her a pair of glasses which right about now might serve my purpose more than edibles. Just a thought. 

            Anyways when a girl likes a guy and tells him, then she's being a guy by acting on an impulse which could be seen as a reflex action that might ruin her personality maybe by presenting her as cheap or as its often called in my circle- ‘that farm instrument’. Furthermore, she can become a very likely candidate for ridicule in a round table conversation over a couple of sips and puffs. Not that it matters if the table is not round, its a guy thing not gossip. Let me spell it out for you; girls gossip while we guys simply update.

 Truthfully i emphasize the 'might cause her P damages' because its only a possibility and my assumptions can be all they are actually worth; just assumptions. 

           Today, we call such bold ladies tomboys. Not for the obvious reason that they cross dress (because they might not) but mainly because they possess a boldness common to the male gender. For most guys it may seem that she has just lowered her value and automatically she's considered an easy target. I would too and with good reason at the risk of not being different from other guys out there. Besides am not afraid of being a regular guy especially when i say that she's welcome to lala's turf (evil grin). 

            For me, the female approach takes the mystery or the excitement of a 'chase and conquer' out the whole situation could be without challenge. Boring. You know how they say you don't appreciate what you get for cheap, i can't think of a better situation where such seemingly sagacious phrase applies perfectly. Its like hoping to catch a romantic movie with someone special only for the movie to be totally void of sex. How romantic. Rather, how disappointing. 

             Its with bold interest that we guys take pleasure in discussing our conquest. Most call it kiss and tell while i, personally, call it playing catch-up. The simple picture is a bunch of guys, having sips, in a serene environment with lots of pretty distractions. Of course we could talk about politics, the economy, business etc but the obvious fact remains that when we have discussions about women even the dumbest guys have a few words to share thus making it a very interesting topic. A lady would perceive guys playing "catch-up" as being stupid and intentional. Rationally, i can't say playing such a game is wise but i definitely think its natural. Sue me.

Scribbles: RE: BACK TO MY BASICS by xoxo

Lala already I'm driving you crazy? Just wait till i get my license. You are saying i throw my self around like..., while i hoard my heart like a... (•͡˘˛˘ •͡) Lala control your emotions. I don't owe you an explanation but i will explain because this isn't a personal note to you.

 Since the days of king Solomon, i doubt if  he was a broke ass he would have 1000 concubines who were comfortable enough to share their man through and through.

 Guys with Benjamin always have an edge with beautiful women. Work your butts off and stop whining it’s not rocket science it’s reality! I won't even pretend there isn’t a spark when a power dresser,smooth talker who saves me from the rain gives me a CL and i don't care of he is another pilot. When i meet him according to LaLa I'm to ask myself if I'm acting like a woman of easy virtue or if my fathers entire life savings can save up to buy me CL's or the materials of the shoe is detrimental to the earths existence-like duh! who cares?(ᵕ.ᵕ)

 It would be a sin not to eat from that humble pie and though i know my pretty cat eyes are lies i wont mind being lied to to make that ride to heaven and then back. The gifts are not a compulsion but a necessity like a great cake with pretty icing crystals. I forgive you even though you conveniently exempted the part of you choking with guilt since you helped devour the bounties like a tutored glutton.

 It’s like the popular saying 'I can't taste my lips, someone has to do it for me' Am i to rock my bed when someone else can do it for me? I’mnot trying to give you a situation report like 'hi lala so yesterday another guy saved me from the rain and offered me edibles and 1 i couldn't eat and i said no. So now that I'm your ideal woman where is my candy bar?' O_o Since it got popped my cherry can't be re-popped! I don't know of any medals women win for longest time to lock up shop and I'm certainly the wrongest contender for such a Honor. I'm not going to sulk to your misery needs company self. I'm 1 woman who follows her natural, instinctive impulses. I liked the guy, we had something. I got bored, i moved on- like duh! keep yourself under the hot sun till your crushes for me melt. Cos you and I can never happen, never was, never will.*tongues out*

 There were no emotional commitments with pilot and don't misquote me i don't detest him as a person hence your 'sleeping with an enemy' talk doesn't hold water. I think I was bored and somehow i'm glad, the side chick role he wanted me to fit in perfectly, after i conquer the main chick, some other woman would play that side chick role with me and then the cycle continues. Yes i beef his cosmopolitan beauty for letting her win and i coming a distant second, maybe i beef her gross for being so pretty, however in the long run she's the net loser!(Now that is just pure beef xo...LoL) okay yes that's some cheap consolation but truth is that drama was becoming an endless soap like that Paloma and Diego story i beefed that chick she was always feeling like the finest woman in Mexico #Bleh and i hate those Mexican soaps BTW. I don't do soaps I do drama. Okay the actual truth is he rammed me from behind in a way i felt was equivalent to covering my face with the pillow. And that was why my walk of shame was really shameful cos it came with lotsa pain. (>_<) #dead

 I'm not a 'who is going to buy the cow when the milk is free woman' cos those cows need regular milking. I'm more of a 'kiss frogs till i meet charming kinda woman', and believe me i sure have kissed some really fugly frogs. Like seriously, some frogs that are the U in ugly- LOL.

 I would stop LaLa by reminding you that this is 2012,  i make my decisions for work, education and financial independence, i vote and can be voted for, But I've my thumb in my mouth enough to depend on you to define when it is okay to copulate and with whom to copulate with because i don’t want you and your friends to call me 'that farm instrument' over bottles of cold beer, 'Okay lala i’m on my 3rd date,we kissed last week is it okay to... Now?' Or I'm supposed to look pretty and sit pretty till I'm 'lucky' enough to find a fine gentleman who would make a good woman out of a maiden? Is that the entirety of the job description, get it popped then zip-it till i get some lucky dude to take me then we live happily ever after? Is that the end of your fairy tale?  Is who i'm shagging defining me or does who I'm not shagging determine the quality of husband i end up with??

 If charmings aren't dogs and live happily ever after with their princesses why are they chasing maidens about town? Then you come up with the perfect cheating vs. Commitment excuse to not throw a good man away because of his perfect blunders (like Duh! they are like deflated tyres utterly useless) but I'm to sit pretty and zip-up because I'm like his property or personal commodity stock who he invests pretty nice shoes in. Honestly i wont mind my conquistadors stooping to conquer me, and I definitely won't mind being a personal property if i’m tastefully furnished though...(•͡.̮ •͡ ) LOL

 Move on LaLa there is no story here i’ve no shame live with it.

*CL- Christian Louboutin

*BTW- By The Way

Scribbles: A TRIP TO LALALAND by LaLa

I'm sitting by a chair on a table, I'm sitting on a chair at a table, I'm sitting on a chair with a table, etc. What you are witnessing is a series of random thoughts going through critical evaluation in order to determine which phrase best suites my thought by explaining my situation without the slightest hint of ambiguity. Nevertheless, how precise can anyone be in a world full of contradictions and/or distractions. i apologize and with shame [as much shame as i felt the first time i slept with my friend's sister- none] suggest that you pardon my manners and also believe in my newly found resolve as i graciously say "welcome to lala land".

      What is lala land? is it a joke? haha, I'm laughing already and please do feel free to laugh along with me only if you've got a complete set of teeth. lala land? is it a myth? i wish. a fantasy? maybe. a reality? definitely! what is this reality? lala land is a reality [though unreal] and seeks to strike a balance between whats real and whats ideal. or at least combine both concepts appropriately to emanate a conviction about life.

      What is life? life is love [oh xo]. Is that right? or as i often do not like to hear; life is beautiful. Not with so much prevalent ugliness in persons and personalities and its eating deep and fast into the very fibers that form the structures of our today. in other words, ugliness has become a trend. life, like school or schooling can only be defined via experience. It is something you go through and only those who've "been there and done that" so to speak can in retrospect have a say i.e express their views, thoughts, concepts, etc and in their own words too. basically if you want to define school, ask a graduate and if its life you seek to define, ask the dead. O_o Better yet, you could die and find out which will amuse me no more than a professor whom after making a profound statement, asks  a blind man if he 'sees' the point.

      At a party the other day [house party- my favorite] with the unusually loud music and trash conducts people engage in after too much sips and puffs on the grass, myself included, i met a girl i liked or thought i did. Noticing she was tipsy, i heroically urged her on to the front porch and sat on a chair far away from the noise and frenzy going on in the house so i could concentrate on the noise starting in my own head as i stare at this beauty [remembers xo… then snaps back to reality]. we got chatty, specifically about the party- the people, the drinks, the fun, the gifts and went on to play a game of truth or dare.

       To whom do i owe this pleasure? do i thank GOD for creating alcohol or thank him for creating those geniuses that created it. Consciously, i let my eyes travel every nook and cranny of this flowers anatomy and i couldn't help but think to myself that she had more 'curves' than a bad road. lean towards her for a kiss i told myself. lean one, two and thr… and just as i was about to gather courage [as if it were pieces to be put together] she woke me up as she said and i quote: i like gifts, especially edibles. sounds familiar? suddenly realizing that she'd been doing the talking she questioned; what do you do? "gifts"  "edibles", these two words seemingly took over my mind like a  virus and without a second thought, first thought or any thought at all i replied; I'm a pilot. sounds familiar! (•͡_ •͡

         Even if i can't fly (though the grass makes me believe I can), i was definitely looking fly i thought to myself the following morning when i woke up on the same porch but on the floor now and found a paper neatly folded into my shirt pocket. it had a name and a number.

          I can't  say that i know where the truth begins. but i do know it ends where the lies start. so much for 'real' and 'ideal'. i have definitely got my fingers crossed.

Article: RE: BACK TO MY BASICS by LaLa

You cried, Heaven cried, God in all his glory with his cohorts sympathized with you and religiously true, so did I. I am in all honesty offering to you my deep and sincere apologies. I do realize the role of a mother in the life of her daughter is crucial. Heavens be praised it was a near loss and not a total one.

After reading your write-up, I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve had other things going on amidst your current predicament. I think you are over it and so am i. Relieved. I’ve seen cases where people actually lose a loved one in the morning and by midday they are effortlessly digging into a big bowl of Africa dish. How hypocritical. Or on second thought, life must continue. Maybe not so fast if you truly feel a deep connection to this person.

 Oddly, I can’t seem to phantom ladies and their priorities sometimes coz last we talked you were highly disgusted with ‘the pilot’. Good thing I expressed your element of attraction for him before you did. I was sure dazed to read that you made his bed rock with his mum somewhere in the picture.

I’ve heard from a table, a chair or even a bathtub that women work their way into a man’s heart with a sumptuous meal. This is true coz it’s either; the good food brings back the memories of moms cooking and the thought of you eating from her pot for the rest of your life might summon and funny enough, be engrossing. Or for those that didn’t have a mom or mom to cook they might feel easily comforted with a good home cooked meal as it has been a deniable deep craving like forever. That could simply be the magic of one good (obviously not xo’s) home cooked meal.

The same furnitures told me that a man’s humor is his greatest tool in cultivating seeds of affection into a woman’s heart but nurture it with gifts. Or the gifts before the humor, in whatever circumstances one finds. This all is true but not general. Not general because in xo’s case, the pilot wasn’t exactly a Chris Rock or an Ali Baba but he was ‘Gifty’. Neither is xoxo a good cook or at least no cooking was mentioned but interesting enough that didn’t stop the ball from rolling. DYT Hypocrite.

Too often I hear about how people eat themselves to sleep, eat to stupor, fever at times. I have heard about people eating even to death but never in my life, sober or not, have I heard of anybody eat their way into sleeping with an enemy. And they say men are dogs, Gross. "I disgust you for tapping the azz of women i despise?" We are not so different after all. A wise man once said gifts can pave way where there is none and now more than ever I believe that saying.

Being a guy it feels really good to know that the pilot eventually scored, for all its worth… I mean after all those gifts xo had ingested she must have been ‘choking’ with guilt enough to feel a nagging urge to payback the pilot and she did in a way many other ladies of low virtue, little or no means to an earning would. Which is offering yourself as a gift or sacrificial lamb, since you can’t afford to return or buy back the gifts. Call it presumption, call it happenstance. That been said as a guy and also as your close friend in the 'friend zone' I must say you dropped some MAJOR points. So much for your ‘guys are dogs’ bull. And yes we are, only if you ladies will admit to being ‘beaches’.

Personally, I think I would be sending you some gifts too, soon, especially edibles. Little wonder why.

NB: Those shoes you are surprisingly eager to keep but couldn’t eat will serve as a vivid reminder of how you and many other ladies out there have their thumbs in their mouth. I’m still on your case like a hungry lawyer though. Even in your infinite shallowness i still have some element of inclination for you.

*DYT- Do your thing